Heirs Together Part 7: So Now What Do We Do?

We have covered a lot of ground, haven't we? Today Ken and I will share our thoughts, gleaned from 37 years of marriage, first trying to live someone else's idea about the "rules" and later throwing out most of the teaching we had received and asking God what to do. We don't have it all figured out. We slip back into old patterns that aren't necessarily healthy. We argue. Perhaps this is a bit of the blind leading the blind, but we have managed to live a mostly happy and satisfying marriage for more than three decades. We can't tell you exactly what your marriage should look like. We will not tell you about your role. But that is the whole point. What we hope to do is to help you begin thinking about the practical ways you can apply the biblical truths we have been learning. How will they fit in your marriage? What does a marriage of partners, of equals, of heirs together who live in mutual submission look like?

First, a quick review.

God created a beautiful world, and in it placed the man and the woman, who was made to be a suitable and strong help for the man. Humankind, both male and female, was made in the image of God. God gave them dominion (rule) together of all He had made, and God pronounced it all “good.” Disobedience to God's directions brought sin into the world, causing fear, shame, pain, and damaged relationship with God and each other. God cursed the earth and the serpent. God also told the man and woman that their relationship was damaged. The result of sin would change them. The man would seek to dominate the woman, and the woman would turn toward the man instead of to God. God did not pronounce this good. He just told them that the world was going to be a much different place.

We asked ourselves whether we choose to live under the results of sin and a cursed world or whether we want to, as much as possible, live under the grace and freedom of God. We learned some new words and phrases:

HERMENEUTICS: Principles that help us correctly interpret scripture

EZER KENEGDO: Suitable, strong Help (not the made up word “helpmate”)

TESUQAH: Desire for, or literally “turning toward”

We learned that some of our beliefs about women and men and marriage do not come from the Bible after all, but from culture, from history, from a Middle Ages view about the “natural order of things” and from the “Church Fathers” – many of whom had a very twisted view of women.

KEPHALE: "Head" but not authority, "head" as in "noggin" -- a metaphor for "source."

And we learned a verse: I Peter 3:7 “...Live with them...as heirs together with you of God’s gracious gift of life.”

Let’s put that in context.

Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives...Your beauty should...be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs together with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers. Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble. 9 Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.

Weaker does not mean intellectually weak or weak in character. Women are generally not as strong as men--I mean who do you call to move furniture? And women have been more vulnerable because of that, because of pregnancy and motherhood issues. Women are, in a sense, more delicate. I'll let you work that out in your own life.

We looked closely at Eph. 5, especially the verses beginning with verse 21: Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. 22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head [source] of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her... husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself... and the wife must respect her husband.

We found out that verses 21 and 22 are one sentence, not two, or even a separate paragraph like we see in most of our English Bibles. We discovered that the word "head" (kephale) is a metaphor for source. Customs of the time, word usage and context all combined to show us that these passagec are not about the husband’s supposed authority over his wife, and not even about Christ’s real uthority over his church. The man is the source of the woman as Christ is the souce of the Church. This isn't about authority at all, but about love, humility, honor, respect, and mutual submission.

We also discovered that the Bible does not assign leader-follower roles to the husband and wife, but partnership and interdependence--on each other and on God.

I need to say here that many women have said things to me like, “I wish my husband would step up. I feel like I am always leading, like I am the spiritual authority. How do I get my husband to lead?” Upon further questioning I usually find that most women really do not always want to be led (a few do, but that is another issue). We want our men to be our lovers and friends, we want them to step up, not lag behind, not always be the authority, but stand beside us as our partners. If we constantly emphasize that the man must be “the authority” or “the leader” over the wife, what is the unspoken message about women? What is the unspoken message about men?

Does that bring freedom or does it bring bondage?

So, now what do we do? How does this different idea work out in real life? What does “mutual submission” look like? We don’t have time to consider all they ways this might change our marriages, but here are some thoughts just for starters.

Work and Responsibilitie: We are free to divide things up however it works for us. If we reject someone else’s idea of what our marriage must be, we are free to decide for ourselves. Each person can lead out of their strengths and receive support in weak areas. Dividing up the work and responsibilities according to what each person likes and does well means that the person doing the job is more likely to do it right.

Decision Making: Much is sometimes made of authority, of husbands having “final say.” I’ve been told that every organization must have a head and that if no one is in authority that chaos and confusion will be the result. This makes marriage more like a corporation, and not much like a loving relationship of partners.

If the decision is minor, talk about it as needed but the person whose job it falls under probably should decide. Ken chooses the laundry soap. I choose food brands. A silly example, maybe, but you get the idea.

If the decision is major, you must reach a decision together. This means you must talk and explore feelings, pros and cons, implications, and so on. If you can’t agree, give it time. Pray. Consider the counsel of othes (but be careful here). Seek compromise or agreement where possible. Look for other options.

I can honestly say that we have not always followed this advice ourselves, but when we have we have always been able to reach a decision together. When we have not, we made mistakes.

Fighting Fair: Some of this should not have to be said, but I’ve learned that it does. Remember the “one another” principles we looked at a few weeks ago? Practice them! No name calling. No swearing, belittling, demeaning the person, telling them their opinion does not matter. No dragging the past into the future every time you disagree. If you can’t disagree without yelling, stop. Take a break to cool off. No projecting how YOU feel on to your partner. Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements. If either of you thinks there is a problem, there is a problem. No itimidation, not verbally, physically, emotionally. Submit, love, honor, respect—even when you disagree.

What About the Kids? Just a few words here. Discipline is necessary (and is beyond the scope of this message) but living in God’s grace and freedom means you respect and value your kids. No using them as weapons. No playing them against your partner. No painting the other parent as the bad guy. No name calling, humiliating, swearing, screaming. Involve them in decision making as appropriate.

This kind of relationship frees both of you to grow the way God designed you—free to be who you really are. This is not just a "woman's issue." It is a people issue!

For every woman who is tired of acting weak when she knows she is strong,
There is a man who is tired of acting strong when he knows he is vulnerable.

For every woman who is tired of acting dumb,
There is a man who is burdened with the constant expectation of “knowing everything.”

For every woman is who is tired of being called “an emotional female,
There is a man who is denied the right to weep and be gentle.

For every woman who is called “unfeminine” when she competes,
There is a man for whom competition is the only way to prove his masculinity.

For every woman who is tired of being a “sex object,”
There is a man who worries about his potency.

For every woman who feels “tied down” by her children,
There is a man who is denied the full pleasure of shared parenthood.

For every woman who is denied meaningful employment or equal pay,
There is a man who must bear full financial responsibility for another human being.

For every woman who was not taught the intricacies of an automobile,
There is a man who was not taught the satisfaction of cooking.

For every woman who takes a step towards her own liberation,
There is a man who finds the way to freedom has been made a little easier!

Nancy R. Smith

Last, what may be the most important thing of all, R.E.S.P.E.C.T! Marriage is, above all, a relationship. All relationships must have respect if they are to survive and thrive. Talk to each other about what communicates respect. For some it is body language or tone of voice. For others it is being listened to with focused attention. When it comes to respect, words are important, but the old adage, “Actions speak louder than words” applies.

A marriage of mutual submission, mutual honor and respect, mutual love, means that you are free to design your own marriage. You are free to decide what it means to be “heirs together of the gracious gift of life.”

Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom! Thanks be to God!

Heirs Together, Part 6: Who Gets to be the Head Honcho?

This sermon is largely taken from a previous post in my "Husband as Head" series.

Peter 3:7 “...Live with them...as heirs together with you of God’s gracious gift of life

In previous sermons I have noted that the Bible does not say that the husband is the head of the home nor of the family, but the head of the wife. The Bible also does not say that the man must always lead. Some parts of the Church have long taught many things about marriage—much more than the Bible actually says. Besides Eph. 5:22, which is about wives submitting, the main one is Ephesians 5:23: “For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.”
From this rather simple passage, and a couple of others, have come a myriad of teachings that are extrapolated from the text.

EXTRAPOLATE: To infer or estimate by extending or projecting known information.

It is sometimes necessary to extrapolate from a text. When we do so, wisdom and humility would say we had best be careful to avoid dogmatic assumptions. To extrapolate is to infer. To infer is to derive by reasoning; conclude or judge from premises or evidence, to guess; speculate; surmise. One may believe that the Bible infers that the husband must be a servant leader, but that does not mean the Bible actually says this.

Here are some examples of teaching that have been incorrectly extrapolated from this verse:

The husband is the head of the wife as Christ is of the church. Thus, the husband is prophet, priest and king of the home.
The husband is the “leader," or the "authority" of the home.
The wife needs leadership from the husband.
The wife must always graciously submit to the leadership of her husband.
There is a hierarchy of the home. God is the supreme head, and under God's leadership is the husband, then the wife, then the children.
The husband must exercise “headship.”
The husband must exercise “servant leadership.”
Someone must be in authority in the home. God says that is the man.
The man should consider his wife's opinion, but he has final say.
The man will be held responsible, not the woman.

The Bible actually says NONE of these things.

Remember, the New Testament was not written in English. What we have are various translations. It is very important that we not impose meanings that come from English word usage, metaphors or idoms.

In English the word head has 38 meanings! Two are adjectives, six are verbs and thirty two are nouns. However, two are most common.
1. the round thing on top of the neck where the brain is housed and where the face is set
My head hurts. My head is too big for this hat.
2. the one in authority, the leader, the boss.
He is the head of this department. She is the head of the women’s ministry committee.

Please note that there is only one meaning for the English word “headship.” Headship means “authority over” or “rule.” The Bible never says the husband has “headship” over the wife. So, like “helpmate,” can we just stop saying it?

Okay, so the husband is the head of the wife….but that is in English which has almost 40 meanings for the word! So, what is the word in Greek?

KEPHALE

Kephale is not the word Paul uses when he wants to say authority. Kephale is a head—”the round thing that houses the brain and where the face is set. “ Want to see some examples?

Some of us have heard, read, and been taught that the husband is the head so he is the leader for so long that it is very difficult to read that scripture passage any other way. So let's use a different English word that means head. Let's use noggin. If we read "The husband is the noggin of the wife, just as Christ is the noggin of the church..." we would likely understand that noggin was a metaphor. A metaphor is never literal; it is an emblem, a symbol. We would know that the husband is not the wife's literal head (noggin), nor is Christ the literal head (noggin) of the Church.

Kephale must be a metaphor. So what did this word mean to the original readers (hearers)? What was the Greek (not English) metaphor?“Kephale" didn't have the normal meaning of "authority" or “leader” in Paul's day and in the Greek language. There were other words for "authority." Here are three examples:

I Cor. 5:24 “…He will put down all rule and all authority and all power.” arche or archon

Heb. 13:17 “Obey those that have spiritual rule over you, and submit yourselves for they watch for your souls. hēgeomai

I Timothy 2:2 “Remember kings and all that are in authority over you…” hyperochē

Paul used "heart" (not head) for the intelligent control of the body, which was the Greek way of thinking. There was no knowledge of the "head" controlling as we know it today.

KEPHALE is a literal word for head (noggin), but a metaphor for SOURCE.

Kephale means "source." This is important because it teaches the Ephesians that women were created from the same substance as men. It refutes the pagan idea that women were made of an inferior substance between that of man and animal. Paul, therefore, undermines this pagan notion by referring to the man as the kephale ("source") of the woman in creation and exhorts husbands to love their wives as their own bodies (vs. 23). She is bone of his bone and flesh of his flesh, (Gen. 2:23)--a fitting and equal partner. Eddie L. Hyatt & Susan C. Hyatt

Most translations just translate kephale literally as head, but here is what can happen when we use English metaphors where they do not belong:

"The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church…” The Message

“The husband has authority over the wife in the same way that Christ has authority over the Church.” Today’s English Version (Good News Bible

In my opinion, this is simply wrong, bad hermeneutics, bad translation work! Remember, kephale means “head” (noggin) in Greek. But, unlike in English, it does not mean leadership or authority or rule. Let's go back to Ephsians and read it using the word source when the Bible says kephale.

21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. 22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband [or man] is the source of the wife [or woman] as Christ is the source the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.

Doesn't Jesus Christ have rule and authority over the Church? Yes, certainly. But given the context, is this passage more likely to be speaking of Christ’s rule and authority over the church, or is it speaking of his love, his care, his death being the source of life for the church? Which fits the passage best?

Remember Genesis? The man was the source, the origen, of the woman, wasn’t he? Wasn’t the woman “taken out of the man?” Wasn’t she “bone of his bone…flesh of his flesh?”

Lets look at another passage that is often used to teach that the husband is in authority and that the home is a hierarchy of command, I Cor. 11:3, 11 and 12. And let's see what happens when we use source where the Bible uses kephale.

“Now I want you to realize that the kephale [source] of every man is Christ, and the kephale [source] of the woman is man, and the kephale [source] of Christ is God. In the Lord, however, woman is not independent of man, nor is man independent of woman. For as woman came from man, so also man is born of woman. But everything comes from God.”

These verses are not about hierarchy and who gets to be boss over who. Both the language and the context of the passage fit beautifully with kephale as source. Paul is affirming our interdependence, both on God and on one another. Yes, woman came from man, but man now comes from woman. All come from God. How much more clear this passage becomes when we stop thinking that "head" means leader or one in authority!

The title of the sermon today may be silly, but guess who gets to be the HEAD HONCHO? The Bible never says the husband is in authority over the wife. We know that we all submit to one another our of respect for Christ: wives honor and respect their husbands and husbands love and sacrifice for their wives. God is the head (and this time I mean the AUTHORITY) of the Christian home. Under God the husband and wife are partners, heirs together of God’s gracious gift of life.

The man is the kephale, the source, of the woman, as Christ is the source of the church. We express our mutual dependence on God and our honor for our mates by showing love for one another and by having a heart that is willing to submit in humility - because of our Lord Jesus Christ!

Heirs Together Part V: Marriage in Grace

Peter 3:7 “...Live with them...as heirs together with you of God’s gracious gift of life.”

In Genesis 1 and 2 we read that God created a beautiful world and finished by creating humans. Let's begin with a review.

God’s plan was that the man and the woman were made to rule together. The woman was made to be an ezer kenegdo, a strong help, the man’s equal and partner in every way. What went wrong? What happened? Sin happened. The Enemy tempted Eve and she listened to him. Adam followed suit, and death began to come to the world. The partnership God had originally designed began to disintegrate. Results of sin on humans were: shame, fear, pain and suffering, damaged relationships, toil just to survive, separation, rebellion, and death.

We read in Gen. 3 that a further result of sin would be that the man would seek to dominate the woman. Instead of loving her as a part of himself (bone of his bone and flesh of his flesh), he would increasingly think he was superior. He would “lord it over her.”

The woman’s “desire would be for her husband.” Some believe that this means woman will seek to dominate the man, so a battle ensues. Others, and I'm among the latter group, believe that this means the woman will turn towards the man even when it is not wise or good to do so. Either way, after disobedience and rebellion messed things up, the relationship was not the one God planned in the beginning.

All too often, God’s people are applying the results of sin, calling it "God's divine plan" for men and women. It is a dreadful thing to attribute the work of evil to God, even with the best of intentions. Remember that in the Gen. 3 passage we were not told that this battle of the sexes was good. It is not good. It is tragic and sad, just like the other things that were coming on the world. God promised that the “seed of the woman” would defeat Darkness! This was the first of many prophecies that an “anointed one” would come from God to conquer sickness, sin, pain, and death!

Romans 5:12,15,17- 19
When Adam sinned, sin entered the world. Adam’s sin brought death to everyone…But there is a great difference between Adam’s sin and God’s gracious gift. For the sin of this one man, Adam, brought death to many. But even greater is God’s wonderful grace and his gift of forgiveness to many through this other man, Jesus Christ. And the result of God’s gracious gift is very different from the result of that one man’s sin. For Adam’s sin led to condemnation, but God’s free gift leads to our being made right with God, even though we are guilty of many sins. For the sin of this one man, Adam, caused death to rule over many. But even greater is God’s wonderful grace and his gift of righteousness, for all who receive it will live in triumph over sin and death through this one man, Jesus Christ. Yes, Adam’s one sin brings condemnation for everyone, but Christ’s one act of righteousness brings a right relationship with God and new life for everyone. Because one person disobeyed God, many became sinners. But because one other person obeyed God, many will be made righteous.

THE WAY OF THE ENEMY BRINGS A POWER STRUGGLE AND SELFISHNESS. THE WAY OF CHRIST BRINGS FREEDOM TO SERVE ONE ANOTHER.

Do you see the contrast between what sin brought to us and what Christ’s grace brings to us?

Today we are going to discover another biblical principle: MUTUAL SUBMISSION.

Let’s look at the message of freedom in Christ that scripture teaches, reclaiming the truth of equality and partnership in our marriages. Remember, whatever else marriage is, it is always a RELATIONSHIP! There are only a few passages specifically about marriage, but there are many scriptures that deal with healthy relationships. Some of them have the words “one another” in them. Let’s consider just some of those “one another” directions.

Be devoted to one another.
Honor one another above yourselves.
Live in harmony with one another.
Love one another deeply.
Accept one another.
Instruct one another.
Agree with one another.
Serve one another.
Care for one another.
Do good to one another.
Be patient with one another.
Make allowances for one another’s faults.
Bear with one another.
Teach one another.
Forgive one another.
Encourage one another.
Build one another up.
Spur one another on to good works.
Be sympathetic to one another.
Act humbly with one another, avoiding pride.

These are good advice for all of us in the Church of Jesus Christ—and would you say they are good advice for friends and partners? How about for marriage?

Lets’ take a look at Ephesians 5. When it comes to marriage, this is one of the most quoted, and probably most misunderstood, chapter in the Bible.

Verses 1-2 Imitate God, therefore, in everything you do, because you are his dear children. Live a life filled with love, following the example of Christ. He loved us and offered himself as a sacrifice for us, a pleasing aroma to God. Note that we are admonished to live the kind of life Christ led, meaning a life of SACRIFICIAL LOVE.

At verse 18 Paul begins with a command, “Do not be drunk with wine but be filled with the Spirit.” Then follows a series of participles telling them specific areas where they will need to leave the old ways and to be filled with the Spirit—practical working out of this new life in Christ.

Verse 21 just sort of stands out. Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
This mutual submission is how we relate to one another in a filled-with-the-Spirit sort of way!

Greek culture of their time and place was rigid in structure and hierarchical in form. They even had “household codes” which spelled out exactly how they were to relate: Husbands to wives (and man to mistress, which was a given), masters to slaves, parents to children. One said prostitutes and mistresses were for “pleasure and companionship.” Wives were to “bear and rear children and manage the house.” The power and authority was completely unequal.

Many Bible translations begin a new sentence or even a totally new section at verse 22. Most teachers have begun with verse 22 as well. But in Greek to divide verse 21 and 22 into two sentences, and even two paragraphs, is not possible. Verse 21 and 22 are a CONTINUOUS SENTENCE. The word ‘submit” does not appear in verse 22! So the text reads like this:

21"Submitting yourselves to one another in the fear of Christ, 22 wives to your own husbands as to the Lord."

Those of you who have been following this series know I said that from now on when you hear that a wife is a helpmate you are going to think EZER KENEGDO or strong, suitable help. And from now on when someone begins a sermon, or a chapter of a book, etc. with verse 22, “Wives submit to your husbands, you are going to think, “But that is the second half of the sentence. Go back and start at verse 21.”

Let’s read the passage. I've edited it a bit for the sake of time and also because we will consider some of the other parts next week. For now, let's look at the directions to wives and husbands.

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ, wives to your own husbands as you do to the Lord… as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. After all, people have never hated their own bodies, but they feed and care for them, just as Christ does the church… "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.” However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

In Greek "submit" is a big word: Hupotassomenoi. Used the way it is in this passage, "submit" is not a demand for wives to be under a husband's authority. It is a call to voluntary submission by all believers to one another.

No one really had to tell a wife in Ephesus to submit. She had no choice. But there certainly was need to tell her how to do so in a Christian manner! She was to respect and honor him, like she would respect and honor the Lord Jesus. And it was to be “in everything” meaning not only when he was looking or she was concerned someone would tattle on her.

This has been taught in all kinds of minute ways with all kinds of suggestions and directives added to the text. This obscures the real point: it is all about the wife’s attitude! It is instruction to the Greek wife--a woman who was not considered her husband's equal. Don’t you think it would be temping to feel rebellious, angry, spiteful, and manipulative? A Ephesian wife could cause harm to her husband’s things in underhanded ways. She could gossip about him, criticize him behind his back, dishonor him and more. Frankly, and sadly, I have seen the same kind of behavior among Christian wives who feel the husband has all the power. Some books even instruct Christian wives how to manipulate to get her way, though of course the languge is moch more "spiritual" than that. Is this the way of grace? Paul says the Christian wife is called to a higher standard.

Next, the husband is instructed how to apply this principle of mutual submission. A Christian husband was going to be different than his neighbors. He was not only going to see his wife as a mother and housekeeper, as he was used to doing. Paul gave him an entirely new kind of household code. He was to LOVE her! And not only love her, but love her with deep compassion and care, the same way Jesus Christ loves his Church!

Sometimes husbands are told that they have the more difficult thing to do, an almost impossible task. This is true, to some degree, but Paul is not speaking of some mystical, impossible thing--some impossible love that no one can attain. He is being practical. A Greek husband had almost total power over his wife. To love a woman as he loved himself was radical! THIS RAISES HER TO THE SAME LEVEL AS HE IS!

The grace of life in Christ helps bring us back to God's plan before sin entered the garden.

If the husband loved the wife and raised her to equal status with him, and if the wife respected and honored her husband as she did the Lord --even in a rigid, patriarchal culture it was possible to live lives of being equal persons, living in mutual submission and support!

How sad it is that we have used Eph. 5 to paint a picture of hierarchy, and of “who wears the pants?” thinking. The relationship of mutual submission shines out! And, by the way, it is not just a principle for marriage even though that is the focus of this series. Paul goes on to apply this new kind of Spirit-led behavior to two other unequal relationships, that of master and slave and father and child. In every walk of life and in every situation, we are of equal value before our Creator God and we should act like it. How much more peaceful our marriages and our families and our workplaces--and our churches--would be if we heeded this principle.

As for a husband and wife, living in a marriage of mutual submission does not mean that no one ever gets his or her way. It does not mean that both of you get to be equally unhappy. It does not mean that no one has any power. It does not mean that no one ever leads. It does not mean that you must become a doormat for your spouse. It does not turn us into androgynous, unisex shadows of our former selves. It does not mean chaos will be inevitable. It does not mean that each gives half—the 50-50 thinking.

Our final release from the curse of sin is yet to come. In this world, our relationships will be imperfect. Mutual submission is an ideal that all of us will fail to perfectly practice. But it is a life where each supports and lives in a way that considers the welfare of the other. Both will love, and honor and respect. All those healthy “one another” principles of relationship will apply to marriage too. We will stop giving each other bad relationship advice and telling each other that someone always has to be in charge. It means that we can live in a relationship that is more like God’s original plan—a marriage "where the Spirit of the Lord is"—thus a marriage of freedom--a pair who live together, reflecting the image of God.

Is this possible? Only as we remember Eph. 5:18 “Be filled with the Spirit.”

It is the Holy Spirit who can show us as individuals and a unique couple how to live our own lives and marriages according to this principle. The Holy Spirit was sent from the Father to be our guide and teacher and to lead us into all truth.

Applying man-made marriage "rules" and "roles" leads to struggles and misery--even when we call it God's plan. We can choose to refuse a marriage defined by a curse. We can rejoice that even though sin brought destruction and despair, Christ came to show us a new way.

We can choose marriage in grace.

Heirs Together Part Four: Weeds in the Garden

If you would like to start at the beginning of this series, just click on the link to "Egalitarian Marriage" at the bottom of this post or in the sidebar. 

I Peter 3:7 “...Live with them...as heirs together with you of God’s gracious gift of life.”
 

Today we are heading back to the garden to see what happened to God's creation after he pronounced it "good."

Does God have a plan for man and woman in marriage? YES! Last week we learned that there are two creation accounts in Genesis. The first account, an overview, is found in Genesis 1:26-28. Let's take a moment to review them.
And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion...So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them. And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth.

The second creation account is Genesis 2:7, and 18-24.

“…And the LORD God formed man of the dust of the ground…and man became a living soul. And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him…. …And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam…and he took one of his ribs, and…the LORD God made…a woman, and brought her unto the man. And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man...”

Those two words, “help meet” or “suitable helper” are from two wonderful Hebrew words EZER KENEGDO. God created woman to be so much more than an assistant (helpmate) to the man. EZER KENEGDO means: “ one who is the same as the other and who surrounds, protects, aids, helps, supports”

Many sermons, books, articles and workshops have told us, “God’s plan is a chain of command with the man given authority over the woman.” So far, scripture does not say this was God’s plan. In the first creation account, God creates the male and the female together as humankind. Both are made in God's image. The man and woman are together given dominion over creation. The woman is “like” the man and she is a strong help, side by side with the man. There is no suggestion of a hierarchy, of defined “roles” or some sort of creation order in the relationship. We are designed for partnership.

God’s plan was that the man and the woman were made to rule together. The woman was made to be a strong help—the man’s partner in every way. This is GOOD NEWS for all of us!

What happened? Let's move on to Genesis 3. It tells us the sad story of what we often call "the Fall of Man."

Now the serpent…said to the woman, "Did God really say, 'You must not eat from any tree in the garden'?" The woman said to the serpent, "We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden, but God did say, 'You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die.‘ “

Doubt about God begins (and the woman adds to what God said). The Enemy of your soul always comes in disguise, always brings mistrust of God and reconstructs God's intent.

…"You will not surely die," the serpent said to the woman. "For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil."
When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it.

The serpent lies and again inserts doubt about God’s trustworthiness. He appeals to her PRIDE (something else he always does) —and mmm mmmmm --it did LOOK GOOD! And wisdom is a good thing---right?

She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it. Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.

Adam is not off somewhere cavorting with lion cubs. He is with her. Her mistake was not forgetting to talk to her husband, and his mistake was not in refusing to lead. They both were tripped up by listening to the wrong voice. How important the words we choose to listen to can be. And then there was pride--and thinking they could be their own little gods! The same sin that got Lucifer cast out of Heaven got humankind cast out of the Garden!

I don't have time now to go into this, but if you'd like to see an interesting parellel, take a look at the temptation of Jesus in the wilderness and you will see the same pattern.

Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the LORD God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the LORD… among the trees of the garden.

When we sin our first impulse is often to run and “hide” from God. (Foolish, isn’t it?)

But the LORD God called to the man, "Where are you?

And God in love pursues us!

He answered, "I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid."
And [God] said, "Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?" The man said, "The woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it." Then the LORD God said to the woman, "What is this you have done?" The woman said, "The serpent deceived me, and I ate."

What is happening to God’s beautiful plan!? Eve gets seduced by beauty and promises of wisdom. Sin brings fear and separation from God--and the man blames the woman—and the relationship is damaged.

So the LORD God said to the serpent, "Because you have done this, cursed are you…
GOD CURSES the serpent…not the people. The other stuff that follows is an inevitable result of sin.
And I will put enmity between you and the woman, and between your offspring and hers; he will crush your head, and you will strike his heel."

Satan will especially hate the woman, it seems. We have seen this thoroughout the ages. Perhaps partly it is because through her will come other men and woman…humans…including the one who will destroy him! Satan will do damage, but he will eventually be CRUSHED!

To the woman he said, "I will greatly increase your pains in childbearing;
with pain you will give birth to children. our desire will be for your husband,
and he will rule over you.“

Pain enters the world, and a change in the male/female relationship.

To Adam he said, "Because you listened to your wife and ate from the tree about which I commanded you, 'You must not eat of it,' Cursed is the ground because of you; through painful toil you will eat of it all the days of your life. It will produce thorns and thistles for you…By the sweat of your brow you will eat your food…

The earth is cursed...and God tells the man that painful toil will be his lot in life. Was Adam’s sin listening to his wife, or disobeying God?

…until you return to the ground, since from it you were taken; for dust you are and to dust you will return."

Death comes to all creation. Does this sound like good news? Does God call any of this “good?”
Here comes more bad news.

…the LORD God banished him from the Garden of Eden to work the ground from which he had been taken….he drove the man out…

Apparently they did not leave when God told them to. God had to force his rebellious children to leave. This was a loving thing to do, because living forever in a sinful, broken state would be more than anyone should have to bear!

So the hideous results of sin on humankind are: fear, pain and suffering, damaged relationships, toil just to survive, separation, rebellion, death. Notice that God did not curse his children. Sin brought a curse on the serpent and the earth.

WAS THIS HORRIBLE MESS GOD’S PLAN? NO! Damaged relationships, pain, rebellion etc. are not God’s plan for us!

QUESTIONS: Do we seek to perpetuate the bad things that happened because of sin? No, not usually. Do we refuse to use weed killer? Do we refuse to find labor-saving devices or ways to make work easier? Do we refuse to use scientific discoveries to make labor and delivery less painful and safer, or to alleviate pain and sickness and death? Do we call it “God’s plan” when relationships are broken or we blame each other or live in pride and rebellion against God?

No. We don't.

So why--out of the entire miserable scene--do we say that this one verse: “Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you“ is God’s “divine order for marriage?”

Why do so many teachers and preachers say this? Why does it come up all the time? Why is it featured in almost every men’s or women’s conference on the planet? For that matter, why did two not-so-well-known preachers, Chaplain Bearded Eagle and Pastor SingingOwl [no I won't really call us that in church], say this? The answer to those questions are not easy, are they? I can guess about some. I know why I did. I can’t speak for the others.

The result of SIN, not God’s plan, meant that the man would seek to dominate (rule over) the woman. Have we seen this in the world? From Genesis 3 on, the Enemy hates women, and in all places, and times (and all but a few cultures) women have been second-class citizens (to put it mildly). Sometimes the man’s “rule over” her has been benevolent and at least somewhat kind, and sometimes cruel. The man is the physically stronger of the two, generally, and this can be a blessing to the woman, or a curse. When sin enters the equation, it is a curse.

The result of SIN, not God’s plan, meant that the woman’s desire would be for her husband. What’s wrong with that? Well, many commentators and teachers say that the woman would try to dominate her husband. The New Living Translation even translates it, “And you will desire to control your husband, but he will rule over you.” However, The Message puts it this way, "He told the Woman:…You'll want to please your husband, but he'll lord it over you.“

So which is it, dominate him (NLT) or try to please him (TM)? We’d better look at the Hebrew.

TESUQUA means “turning toward.”

So the woman would turn toward the man. Remember, this is not some sort of blessed divine order of things. God is speaking of the damage that will come to them because of sin and a cursed world. It is my opinion that this is not just saying that the woman will want to please the man, it is saying that she will “turn towards him.” Woman will seek the approval of a man even when it is unhealthy, even when he lords it over her, even when she should be turning to God, who is our real source of strength.

Women can certainly be bossy and controlling and even physically domineering, and men can seek a woman’s approval more than God’s approval. However, look at the world around you. Think of yourself. Think of people you know. Who tends to dominate, rule over, be verbally and physically aggressive? Who tends to seek approval, even when the results are bad?

This is the “way of the world.” The strong dominate the weak, the weak look to those more powerful for help, but they resent their need for help. So sometimes the weaker ones manipulate and misuse and dishonor the strong, exploiting the other’s weakness where they can. Those with power exploit that power and rule over those who are weaker. This destructive cycle permeates all relationships!

All too often, God’s people are applying the results of sin, calling it "God's divine plan" for men and women. It is a dreadful thing to attribute the work of evil to God, even with the best of intentions. Could this be one of the reasons why Christian marriages are in trouble—and the divorce rate among conservative, Evangelical people is as bad or worse than for unchurched couples?

Do you want to live under a curse or under the grace of God?

 

God has provided a way for this destructive cycle to be broken. In "Heirs Together" Pat Gundry says the following:

"Salvation restores us to fellowship with God. The Holy Spirit not only give us back the lost access to God but also enables us to know how to reunite with each other again as equals...It is this banner of freedom in Christ and the equality of believers that carries us on toward reversing...worldliness which teaches us to exploit and manipulate...we can go on to where...each person is of equal value and has equal opportunity to experience and express full personhood."

Remember, God promised that the “seed of the woman” would defeat Darkness. God’s words in the Garden were the first of many prophecies that an Anointed One would come from God to defeat sickness, sin, pain, and death! Let's look at a few scriptures that speak to the Good News of redemption through Christ:

The people walking in darkness have seen a great light; on those living in the land of the shadow of death a light has dawned…Behold, the virgin shall be with child, and bear a Son, and they shall call His name Immanuel,” which is translated, “God with us.”

The Prophet Isaiah

And she will bring forth a Son, and you shall call His name JESUS, for He will save His people from their sins.

The Angel Gabriel

"Look, the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world!”

John the Baptist

For the sin of this one man, Adam, caused death to rule…But even greater is God’s wonderful grace and his gift of righteousness, for all who receive it will live in triumph over sin and death through this man, Jesus Christ.

Apostle Paul

Are we choosing the law of sin and death, instead of living in the freedom Christ provides?

 

From Romans 8
So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus…because you belong to him, the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death…God…sent his own Son in a body like the bodies we sinners have. And in that body God declared an end to sin’s control over us by giving his Son as a sacrifice for our sins. Against its will, all creation was subjected to God’s curse. But with eager hope, the creation looks forward to the day when it will join God’s children in glorious freedom from death and decay…For we know that all creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. And we believers…long for our bodies to be released from sin and suffering. We, too, wait with eager hope for the day when God will give us our full rights as his adopted children, including the new bodies he has promised us.2 Corinthians 3:17 b
“…and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.”Galatians 5:13
For you have been called to live in freedom, my brothers and sisters. But don’t use your freedom to satisfy your sinful nature. Instead, use your freedom to serve one another in love.Colossians 2:8
Don’t let anyone capture you with empty philosophies and high-sounding nonsense that come from human thinking and from the spiritual powers of this world, rather than from Christ.

We can begin right here and right now! We can join many others who are looking at the message of freedom in Christ that scripture teaches, reclaiming the truth of equality and partnership in our marriages.

Can we affirm that we will seek to live in life-giving relationships? Can we step out of calling the result of sin the “plan of God?” Can we live as sons and daughters of our wonderful God, who came to set us free? Can we stop living under a curse and start living under God’s grace?

Heirs Together Part 3: Back to the Garden

For those of you who read the "Husband as Head" series, this is going to be pretty familiar. 

I Peter 3:7 “...Live with them...as heirs together with you of God’s gracious gift of life.”

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Last week we asked the question, “What is marriage?” It is many things, depending on culture, custom, location, ethnicity, etc. But in each and every case, whether the marriage is a love match or arranged, warm or cold, good or bad, peaceful or painful, cheerful or chaotic, marriage is a relationship. In future weeks we will look more closely at what that means. For today, let's discover what scripture says about what the man's and woman's relationship was meant to be.

On our quiz from the first week of this series, I said that this statement:

”When God made male and female (a couple), God made one to be the leader and one to be the helper” was false. Some of you are still wondering about that. So then, does God have a plan for man and woman in marriage? YES!

Today, let’s go back to the Garden of Eden and start finding out about the biblical account of how God created male and female! But when we do, look for biblical principles—truths that stand in any time, any place, any culture. And again, can I request that for now you put books, tapes, ideas aside? Can we just look at scripture carefully, using good hermeneutics?

Good biblical “hermeneutics”means good principles of interpreting scripture. Always interpret a passage:
• in agreement with its context.
• in light of what it meant to the original hearers.
• considering the events and customs taking place when it was written.
• in the light of other scripture.
• without using an obscure passage to make a point, ignoring more clear passages.
• according to the best usage of the original language (which is NOT English)
• putting scripture above social teaching.

There are more hermeneutic principles, but these are a few that will be important to us over the next few weeks. Allow me to share a story that illustrates bad hermeneutics.

Some years ago I went to a women's conference along with several women from this church. Some are here today and may remember this. One of the most popular workshops was about husband/wife roles. I did not attend, but I heard plenty about it in the van on the way home. I grew disturbed and sad as I listened to happy, enthusiastic women tell how they had learned about "God's plan." God, the Bible said, made man to "have dominion." Men were designed to rule. That was the main point of the workshop. If we women did not allow the men to have dominion, we were demeaning them and undermining their God-given role as leaders in our homes. There were some good things shared, but mixed with helpful things was a damaging seed of error. Men were made to lead--it was an integral part or how God had made the male nature. Every man would step up and provide godly leadership, given encouragement. As Christian wives it was their job to go home and discover the ways in which they had robbed their husbands of this divine mandate. I listened in silence. They were too excited to notice. It was not a time for correction, but later when the excitement of discovery had dimmed in the light of real life, I was able to take some of those women to Genesis and read the workshop's text (Genesis 1:26). Careful reading and simply paying attention to the context was revealing, and surprising!

Did you know that there are two separate creation accounts in Genesis? The first account is a sort of summary or overview. Much of the language people are familiar with regarding marriage stems from the venerable King James Version. This is the passage the workshop leaders used, so we will start there.

Genesis 1:26-28 KJV
And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our likeness: and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the earth. So God created man in his own image, in the image of God created he him; male and female created he them. And God blessed them, and God said unto them, Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it: and have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air, and over every living thing that moveth upon the earth.
 Now we'll go to the New International Version

Then God said, "Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.“ So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. God blessed them and said to them, "Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground."

In the first creation account, God creates the male and the female together as "man" --humankind--in God's image. Who has dominion? "Them." Both genders are given rule over creation. At this point there is no suggestion of power, position, hierarchy or defined roles.

The second creation account adds detail to what we already know. It is found in Genesis 2:7, 18-24, and once again we will start by reading the King James Version. These words are familiar to most of us from wedding ceremonies.

And the LORD God formed man of the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living soul….And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. And out of the ground the LORD God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof. And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him. And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam…and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh…And the rib, which the LORD God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

There is a “word” we hear and read a lot when Christians talk about marriage. HELPMEET…or even worse…HELPMATE. Helpmeet comes from pushing the noun and adjective found in the KJV together in to a sort of hybrid word. Helpmate apparently came into usage because a lot of people really don't know what "meet" means, but it sure sounds a lot like "mate" and this is about man and woman, so...

And when I see an educated person tossing these words around, being the word lover that I am, I get a little grumpy.

“Meet” is a word we no longer use. It means “suitable” or “corresponding to.” So a “help meet” is a help that is suitable. Here is another example from the KJV, Matthew 15:26 " But he answered and said, It is not meet to take the children's bread, and to cast it to dogs."

That is a strange statement, but for now let's leave the verse alone except to note the usage of "meet" as "suitable" or "fitting."

Let’s move on from ancient English--and made up words--and see what some newer translations say:

a helper who is like him HCSV
a helper who is just right for him NLT
a helper complimentary to him TAB
a helper suitable for him NIV

And the two I think express it best in English:
a helper as his partner NRSV
a help who is like unto himself DV

Nowadays, the words helpmate or helper usually imply a subordinate or an assistant. Let me give you an example from life. Last week, my secretary, Honey, and I came up with a plan. Honey had a good idea. It would save the church some money, be fun to do, add to our worship experience. She shared the idea with me, and I loved it. So I will be Honey's helper on this project, and we hope you will like the result.

Now, be honest. Who is leading and who is the assistant?

So is the woman, as the man's helper, made to be an assistant? Do the men do the important stuff and women get to help out? Martin Luther thought so, among others. Last week we read, “A woman must never seek to begin anything, or to end anything, without the leadership and counsel of a man. Where he is, she must be, and must bend before him as one whom she must reverently fear and to whom she must ever be subject and obedient.”

BUT….let’s remember another hermeneutics principle. Lets look at the Hebrew!

Those two words, “help meet” or “suitable helper” are from two wonderful Hebrew words, EZER KENEGDO. Ezer is used many times in the Old Testament, but never for a subordinate or a lesser being. Always for a strong help! EZER is most often used for GOD! Is God an assistant, or beneath us in a hierarchy of command? Here are a few examples:

Psalm 118:7 "The LORD is with me; he is my helper (ezer)"
Psalm 33:20 “We wait in hope for the LORD; who is our help and our shield.
Psalm 20:1-2 “May the Lord answer you when you are in distress; May the Name of the God of Jacob protect you. May He send you help…”
Psalm 121:1-2 I lift up my eyes to the hills— where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth.

But what about that adjective, KENEGDO? The word the King James Version translated "meet" or "suitable" is NEGED (or depending on usage,KENEGDO),"counterpart to, matching, corresponding, like."

So put together, EZER KENEGDO means: “one who is the same as the other and who surrounds, protects, aids, helps, supports.”

The same as? We know men and woman are different. But the creation account emphasized that the woman was like the man, suitable in every way, figuratively standing right beside him. One writer described it as, "eye to eye, vis a vis, a matched pair." This couple illustrates the ‘eye to eye’ relationship of the man and his “ezer kenegdo”.

Because of this passage from Genesis, I have a bumper sticker on my car that says PUT WOMEN IN THEIR PLACE: Right Beside Men.


Can you hear the joy in the male’s exclamation, "Ah, at last! This is now bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh”? Not, "Someone for me to rule over." Not, "Someone under me in the order of things." Not, "At last, someone to follow my lead."

AT LAST, someone LIKE ME!

We often hear that “God’s plan is a chain of command.” So far, scripture does not say this was God’s plan. God’s plan was that the man and the woman were made to rule together. The woman was made to be a strong help—the man’s partner in every way.

What happened to this beautiful plan? Did God institute a chain of command where the man rules and the woman is subordinate? Did God curse mankind? Will it ever get better?
And why are Adam and Eve wearing those ridiculous fig leaves?


Find out next week as we continue in Genesis!

Heirs Together Part 2: What is Marriage?

This sermon owes a great deal to Patricia Gundry.

Last week we saw that Christian marriage is in trouble. The rate of divorces inside the church is about the same as outside, and some indicators would say that divorce rates are even higher for church folks than among those who do not profess faith in Christ. What is wrong? This is a simple question that does not have a simple answer, but here are a few beginning thoughts.

1. Traditional teaching about marriage is not as biblical as many of us believe.

Many of the ideas we encountered in last week's quiz are based on views of women held from early times. We will take a look at Genesis next week, but for now I'll just note that the biblical account of the beginning of things seems to tell us that Darkness will have a special hatred of women.

Jesus'' treatment of, and relationships with, women as respected friends, students and witnesses (think of Easter) were radical. It took a while, but in the first century church we have evidence that women were given freedom that was unheard of prior to that time. There were women deacons, prophets, preachers and even bishops. Sadly, as things became more institutionalized it didn't take long for Jesus' revolutionary treatment of women to be forgotten. Views of women became so negative we would be shocked by them today. Here is a sampling (I paraphrased the language in a few, but I did not change the sense of the statement). And guys, be careful how you respond or you may regret it later!

Tertullian – Woman, you are each an Eve. The sentence of God lies on you, and guilt must forever lie on you as well. The serpent would never have approached your more noble mate, but he used you as his evil gateway. Because of you, the Son of God had to die.

Origen – A man should never listen to a woman, even if she says saintly or admirable things. That is of no consequence or importance, since she is a woman.

St. John Chrysostom—“A woman taught once, and she ruined everything. Let her never teach….a woman is weak and fickle. God assigned the important, more beneficial matters of work to the male and the less important, inferior matters to the woman.”

Gratian said, “A woman’s authority is nonexistent. Let her be subject to men in everything…she may not teach, be a witness, give a contract or a guarantee…”

Clement of Alexandra-- “Men are endowed with reason...as for women...it is shameful even to think of what nature she is…”

St. Augustine -- “Man reflects the image of God...as for woman, I fail to see what use women can be to man if one excluded the bearing of children.”

John Knox -- “Woman was made to serve and obey the man.”

Thomas Aquinas -- “Woman is defective and misbegotten. The active male seed tends to produce a perfect male. The production of a woman comes from some defect in the active force.”

D. M. Burrows -- “It is an ascertained physical fact that the brain capacity of the average male is considerably greater than that of the female. Why then, should she be admitted to collegial study?”

Martin Luther - “Women are ashamed to admit this, but scripture and life clearly ascertain that only one in a thousand is able to live a life of…purity. She cannot help it...A woman must never seek to begin anything, or to end anything, without the leadership and counsel of a man. Where he is, she must be, and must bend before him as one whom she must reverently fear and to whom she must ever be subject and obedient.”

Women, do those statements make you rejoice in the freedom of God's grace?

Me neither.

Am I saying that nothing these men ever said was of value? By no means. We owe them a great debt in many respects. But it isn't hard to see where some ideas sprang from, is it?

Gnosticism was an early heresy that troubled the church for several centuries. Eventually it faded from the forefront (though it still exists in altered forms today). One facet remained. Asceticism—deny your physical body—the body is evil. Thus sexual desire is evil. Women as the objects of a man's sexual desire must also be evil. Celibacy is holy.

By the Middle Ages, the Church was a giant socio-political institution as well as a religious one, and it believed that God had designed a specific order that would keep the world running properly. Everyone had their place, and the Church did not hesitate to use force to keep people in their “proper place in the divine order.” Some races were designed by God to be slaves and servants. Some were ordained to rule. Man was superior, and woman was inferior. To deny these truths and others invited ridicule at best and torture or death at worst.

We could go on at length to describe attitudes and beliefs that arose in different historical periods and became established teaching. They were repeated so often that even now we tend to accept them without question. Since this is not a history lesson, I will move on.

2. We have expectations that are completely unrealistic.

In many other cultures marriages are arranged. Often marriage is viewed as primarily for the purpose of children, financial security, protection and other practical reasons. I recall a visitor from a foreign country laughing out loud at a Viagra commercial. She could not believe that middle aged people in our culture still expected sexual intimacy to be part of marriage! In our culture we marry “for love.” Love will find a way. Love conquers all. When problems inevitably come, we think the love must have been faulty.

A favorite movie at our house is "Fiddler on the Roof." One of the most memorable scenes is when the middle-aged husband, Tevye, and the middle-aged wife, Golda, ponder the nature of married affection and, for the first time, share a few timid words of love. " After twenty five years", they sing, "it's nice to know." We cannot imagine ourselves marrying first and loving later. And yet we are willing to toss out the marriage when we feel love has misled us. It seems that our romantic view of marriage may have led us to believe that marriage is either perfect or useless.

When you think of it, it is really amazing that we treat the most important alliance in our lives as though it must maintain itself without our wholehearted effort. No wonder that is called a romantic view. (One dictionary definition of romantic is "unrealistic.")

3. Christians have believed the lie that if they follow a formula, they are ensured success.

We all want our marriages to be wonderful and successful and lasting. And we want to be faithful to God. When someone tells us that scripture assures success if we are sure to do it "right" it is easy to be deceived by our desire to know God, and our longing for human love and intimacy. And the stereotypes are stated, and stated again, and we begin to believe them, and we begin to believe that everyone else is making it work. Christians are good at hiding our "stuff." So if we aren't living in a happy marriage we must be faulty in our understanding or our execution of "the divine plan." We must try harder to follow the rules. We must lead, we must be more spiritual, we must obey, we must submit more.

Of course there is truth in every stereotype—but the problem with stereotypes is that almost no one fits them. Women talk more. Men don’t like to talk. Women like to relate. Men like to do. Women love to shop and hunt for bargains and try on 30 dresses. Men just want to “git ‘er done.” Men are more aggressive and so are natural leaders. Women are passive and so are natural followers.

I have a radical idea. Stop worrying about “men” and “women” and get to know your own loved one!

In her book on marriage, Heirs Together, Patricia Gundry suggests that marriage is like a kaleidoscope. She says:

"A good marriage is like a kaleidoscope. With a few simple ingredients it is ever changing, showing new facets of each other and the pleasure of working and living and loving as a team. A marriage can be whatever you want it to be. It can become better and better. It can change as a husband and wife learn and grow and change...Your marriage is your very own; it belongs to no one else. If you try to live out someone else’s idea of marriage, you may be fortunate and stumble onto a pattern that you happen to fit into pretty well. On the other hand, you may get a pattern that does not fit at all. So it is important to realize that it is your marriage and that you can write your own rules. (I hope they will really be principles rather than rules). Marriage can be what you make it together."

During this series we will be avoiding formulas and looking for Biblical principles. Principles are abiding truths that transcend time, place and culture.

I do not say that if you will listen carefully and do as I say, or even as scripture suggests, that you cannot fail. Life is uncertain. Marriage is, by its nature, two people in a relationship. TWO people. One cannot carry the burden for both, no matter how much they want the marriage to succeed. We cannot love enough, lead enough, or submit enough to make it happen. But the Bible does give us some wonderful insight that can help two people who are committed to live together in love.

Read the Bible for yourself. Talk about it. Pray about it. Go as God leads you. Listen to your own wife or husband.

Love does not solve everything. Love does not necessarily conquer all. But love is of God, and those who love are born of God. We can nurture love, and welcome it. We can avoid things that hurt or kill love, and we can seek to do things that make it grow. We can ask God to help us love again. We can seek to love with more maturity. We can ask Him to show us how to encourage love in another. We can move beyond formulas and rules and find our way, by God's grace, to a marriage of two equal partners, heirs together of the gracious gift of life.

Heirs Together: Part One -- Last Sunday

This really isn't what I intended for Part One.  I was unable to resurrect last Sunday's sermon, but it was really just introductory. We began with a little quiz. I didn't actually require anyone to answer, just to think answers to themselves. Only one person knew they were all false. And she did have a bit of an advantage. She's my secretary and gets to hear me rant about stuff all the time. :-) Then we took a quick look at "A Very Bad Sermon on Marriage." Then I shared some good quotes on Christian marriage, and some alarming stats (basically, marriages in the church are not doing any better than those outside the church--and some indicators would say we are doing worse). Something is wrong. What is it?

Here is the quiz.

A Little True or False Quiz on Marriage
Servant Leadership and Graceful Submission

 

1. Marriage is like the Trinity, where the Father is in charge of the Son, and the Son obeys.

2. When God made male and female (a couple), God made one to be the leader and one to be the helper.

3. The husband is the priest of the home.

4. The Bible never tells husbands to submit.

5. The biggest mistake Adam made, and husbands make today, is that he was not willing to lead.

6. The Bible instructs women to submit and husbands to lead.

7. The husband should consider the wife’s opinions, but he has final say.

8. The man will be held responsible for the actions of his wife and children.

9. If the husband is a servant leader and the wife graciously follows, God will insure that all will turn out right.

10. If we do not follow the divine plan of husband as leader and wife as follower, our marriage will be unstable.

11. Someone always has to lead in a relationship.

12. Eve’s biggest mistake was in making a decision without consulting Adam.

13. The divorce rate for non Christians is much higher than the divorce rate for Christians.

14. God made men to lead and designed women to follow.

Scripture? Oh yes, we had some. I used some of the scripture about discernment that I posted a while back, applied them to being discerning about what we are "told" about marriage, asked everyone to do their best to lay aside previous notions and just explore the scripture with "new" eyes for the duration of the series.

And we will base the series on I Peter 3:7

In the same way, you husbands must give honor to your wives. Treat your wife with understanding as you live together. She may be weaker than you are, but she is your equal partner in God’s gift of new life. Treat her as you should so your prayers will not be hindered.

New Living Translation

Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered.

New King James Version

Next week, among other things, we will consider that "weaker vessel" phrase and what to make of it. (It is pretty simple, really. The problem starts when people read all kinds of thing into it other than the obvious meaning.)

Back to the quiz. Every question was taken from a sermon, a popular book, or a statement I heard on Christian radio just in one month's time.

 

Every answer is false.

 

I got some odd reactions to that, I can tell you! But I expect there were some conversations over the dinner table. And that is, mostly, a good thing.

 

A Really Bad Example of a Sermon About Marriage

This is edited from a sermon I just read online.

Marriage is like the trinity, The Father is in charge. Jesus ALWAYS submits to the father, he obeys, he says what his father has told him to say, Jesus sees the father in the trinity as the head, and he obeys him. It is never the other way around. Isn't it interesting? But in no way can we say that Jesus being subject to his father is demeaning. ...

In Gen. 1 God said, Let us make mankind in our image.

To be made in the likeness of God is to be made in relationship where, just as the son submits to the father, we have a couple, a head and a helper.

Wives, submit to the husband as the head - he is in charge. God solved the argument before it started, he said, I have to choose someone, okay, husbands, you are in charge. I hold you responsible.

I want to point out something that is very important. In our culture we decide that if something doesn't work we change it. But God designed humanity. God designed the world and gave it order. We submit to all authorities because God has put them there. Never in the Bible do you see God saying plan B is if it is not working, swap. You never hear, wives command your husbands, and husbands submit.

God does not say, I put you in charge now rule. He always tells authorities, I have put you in charge but what I want you to do is love. You are in charge husbands, I have decided this, too bad if you don't want to be in charge, you are in charge, says God, like I am in charge of you, so I want you to love your wives, in the same way I love the church, so far that you are willing to die for her. Use my love for you as the minimum requirement for how you love your wife.

If there is any husband who raises his voice or strikes his wife the smell of hell is close to your marriage. How dare you? Love your wives sacrificially.

It is so shameful when you go to other cultures where the gospel is not preached, women are sold. they are treated like objects. But it is an irony. In a culture where Jesus has been proclaimed and women have been raised to equality, and have been treated in every way equal but different to men, that same culture, people jettison God and the women say they want to jettison the men, they say, we want to be in charge...

Husbands ask your wives how you can be a better husband, and take notes. - The biggest mistake Adam made and we men make is we are not willing to lead. - It is difficult in any culture if you have a lousy husband. This culture has made it easy, you just divorce him. that is not necessarily, the solution love them as if they were the lord. - A good divorce? Divorce is a natural consequence of living in a culture that denies the living God.

Tomorrow I am starting a series of sermons on Christian marriage. This is an example of the kind of marriage sermon I have heard all my life. How about you? There is some truth in the sermon, but it is overshadowed by suppositions, assertions that do not come from scripture, extrapolations and a patronizing tone. How many wrong things can be in one sermon? (I found at least 9.) I only wish it were a completely unusual example!

My main point tomorrow is about the need to think for ourselves, to be discerning, to seek wisdom instead of formulas. (Don't believe about 95% of what you read and hear regarding "God's plan" for husbands and wives.) Think I can cover that in one Sunday? Me neither. But it's a start. We are going to look at this sermon, among other things.

I may post some of my sermons as we go along. We shall see.

Happy Sunday!


Hat tip to Suzanne.

Seek God's Purposes

1:00 p.m. UPDATE: Church was wonderful today. Several visitors, a sense of joy and life and love, beautiful "living video/dance," uplifting music, humor and fun and inspiration in our OASIS 2008 video, and--even a short sermon! :-) The "Living Water" of God did indeed seem to be flowing among us today. Thanks be to God.

Monday Update: :-) I've added a few pictures to go along with the notes below. We had blue flags and streamers in the congregation (alas, no photos), and it was a very casual day, as you can see, but powerful as well.

Six weeks ago our church unveiled a beautiful new banner and I preached a sermon titled "How Deep Do You Want to Go" as we began a series designed to explore a theme based on Isaiah 43. In that beautiful prophetic chapter God promises to both "do a new thing" and to make places of water and refreshing in a dry land. Almost nine years ago, that passage came to my attention again and again as I served my new church as the interim pastor--and six months later the permanent pastor.

A while back, a vision team of eight began an intense process of discovering and then sharing a vision for our church. Along with that we were encouraged to find metaphors...and voila...the OASIS was laboriously birthed. If you care to look, I've linked to the previous topics.

O Offer Hope
A Advance God's Kingdom
S Share God's Love
I Invest in People
S Seek God's Purposes

Today's service is packed with wonderful things, the least of which is my sermon, so there's not much to it. I am mostly sharing scripture and adding a few things, as well as reviewing previous sermon themes with the people. I hope I will figure out how to share a video with you.

Meanwhile, this is not the video I am speaking of, but it is a You Tube version of the song the dance team was sharing with us.





Getting ready. The white crepe paper on the steps is supposed to represent a river bank, and that is also why all the trees and greens are on the platform.

In the dance, Aaron represents Jesus, praying for his people.

"Sometimes we don't see eye to eye" Kelly and Donna show us. They are dressed in blue and all are barefoot because they are coming down to "the river."

DeeAnna, one of our wonderful yong people, and Patti, invite us to

love each other and put our differences aside for the sake of Jesus Christ

Darren plays and Kelly sings a song she co-wrote, "I Lift My Hands to You, Almighty God."

"We are called to a life of purpose. You can't live on purpose by accident."

SEEK GOD’S PURPOSES

“Man’s chief end is to glorify God and to enjoy him forever.” Westminster Catechism

Romans 8:28-29 And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them. For God knew his people in advance, and he chose them to become like his Son, so that his Son would be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters.

Ephesians 2:10 – For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so that we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.

It seems God has plans and purposes for us! How do we live on purpose?

Let's take a look at Philippians 3:7-14 from "The Message."

The very credentials these people are waving around as something special, I'm tearing up and throwing out with the trash—along with everything else I used to take credit for. And why? Because of Christ. Yes, all the things I once thought were so important are gone from my life. Compared to the high privilege of knowing Christ Jesus as my Master, firsthand, everything I once thought I had going for me is insignificant—dog dung. I've dumped it all in the trash so that I could embrace Christ and be embraced by him. I didn't want some petty, inferior brand of righteousness that comes from keeping a list of rules when I could get the robust kind that comes from trusting Christ—God's righteousness. I gave up all that inferior stuff so I could know Christ personally, experience his resurrection power, be a partner in his suffering, and go all the way with him to death itself. If there was any way to get in on the resurrection from the dead, I wanted to do it. I'm not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don't get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back.

Don't you love the way Eugene Peterson has rendered that passage?

And here are the same scriptures from "The New Living Bible."

6 I was so zealous that I harshly persecuted the church. And as for righteousness, I obeyed the law without fault.
7 I once thought these things were valuable, but now I consider them worthless because of what Christ has done.
8 Yes, everything else is worthless when compared with the infinite value of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have discarded everything else, counting it all as garbage, so that I could gain Christ
9 and become one with him. I no longer count on my own righteousness through obeying the law; rather, I become righteous through faith in Christ. For God’s way of making us right with himself depends on faith.
10 I want to know Christ and experience the mighty power that raised him from the dead. I want to suffer with him, sharing in his death,
11 so that one way or another I will experience the resurrection from the dead!
12 I don’t mean to say that I have already achieved these things or that I have already reached perfection. But I press on to possess that perfection for which Christ Jesus first possessed me.
13 No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead,
14 I press on to reach the end of the race and receive the heavenly prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us.

To live a life "on purpose" or a life devoted to discovering and living God's purpose and plan:

1. We must know Christ (v. 8) John's Gospel, chapter one, tells us that Jesus Christ came to reveal God to us. Do you hear the longing in Paul's words to the Philippians to "know" Christ? Like him, as we journey onward, pressing toward the goal we discover our purpose by discovering our Lord.

2. We must let go of the the past (v. 13)
Whether your past is good or bad, you can’t focus on it.

Jeremiah 29:11 – For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord. They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.

If your past is bad, you can’t let it keep you from doing the Lord’s purpose. If your past is good, you can’t depend on it!

3. We must have a worthy goal (v. 13-14)
Have you ever noticed that if you do not have an agenda for your life (or even for your day) one will be provided for you either by the events of life itself or by other people. There’s nothing wrong with setting goals. Actually, it is essential to a purpose filled life, but our ultimate goal must be to serve the Lord. When we see Him, will He say “Well done…”?

4. We must realize that our purpose is eternal (v. 14)
Pleasure won’t last. In Ecclesiastes 2:10-11, Solomon (speaking of pleasure) says “as I looked at everything I had worked so hard to accomplish, it was all so meaningless. It was like chasing the wind. There was nothing really worthwhile anywhere.”

Possessions won’t last. In I Timothy 6:7 Paul says “After all, we didn’t bring anything with us when we came into the world, and we certainly cannot carry anything with us when we die.”

Prestige won’t last. In Matthew 19:30, Jesus says “... many who seem important now will be the least important then, and those who are considered least here will be the greatest then.”

I will never forget the cheap, plaster plaque that used to hang in our dining room when I was a child. It was not the beauty of the plaque that stayed with me. I think one of my sisters may have made it at a summer Vacation Bible School. It read:

Only one life,

'Twill soon be past,

Only what's done for Christ,

will last.

Those words had a lasting impact on my childish heart. Life had eternal purpose! What would my Lord Jesus have me do?

You can’t live on purpose by accident. Will you join me in the journey of discovery?